Sep 12, 2007

Tough Night

So, I am having a rough night. Went and told Grandma Karen (more on that in a bit), got to spend some nice time with my folks, and then came home. I'm starting to feel sleepy and probably hormonal. But I had a good cry tonight... my thoughts were..
1. Is it selfish of me to bring a child into this world knowing it has a DA Father?
2. Am I really going to be able to do this on my own?
3. Why is DAH so inconsiderate and disrespectful?
I had dreamed of the day he would rub my tummy and feel the baby kick. Now I know he has ruined that for both of us, heck, all of us. It just doesn't seem fair. As tears are rolling down my cheeks, I know I have to be strong and I don't think it is even a matter of this specific husband. I think it is just thoughts in general. I feel like I am cheating this baby out of a "normal" life. Don't get wrong, I am LOVING the thought of being a mom and I know it is going to be great, but I'm sure these thoughts are completely normal. It is still just really hard to grasp.

Karen was dumbfounded. She wasn't sure how to react to the pregnancy. She was far more emotional than I thought she would be. I know in a way she must feel part way responsible for her son's actions. Of course she is NOT!!! DAH made these choices on his own and no one could have stopped ihim, obviously. I think she felt DAH had robbed her from another grandbaby. I definitely reassured her I would be around for her to see me get fat, woes of pregnancy, birth, and of course she is the GRANDMA!! I know things will be just fine, just keep praying.

I also went to Rhonda's and broke the news to Chloe and Hannah. I told Hannah I had a birthday present for her. I told her I had a baby in my belly. She instantly asked if it was a girl or boy. Haha, gotta love kids! She then asked if she was going to get to see it and Chloe promptly said "Yes Hannah but it STAYS at MERE'S!!!". OOOHHHH boy this is going to be fun.
Which brings me to my next thoughts which make me cry: Chloe.
Dear Lord I love that little girl sooo much and I also know she was cheated out of a "normal" fatherly life just as my child will be. Don't get me wrong she has an AMAZING stepdad who has done sooo much more than anyone would have ever imagined!! As much as her and DAH didn't bond, he has at least been constant in her life for about 3 years now. I am sure we have many long talks and questions coming our way and I just pray for guidance and patience to help her through this. I know she will also be a big hemotional elp to me.

Well, now since I am all emotional again, I need to go to sleep.

Lots of love to my family and friends. I miss you sooo much sister!!!! :)

1 comment:

Courtney said...

Thats So Great.
Im So Sorry About You && Toni.
This Baby Is Gonna Have A Great Mother. && I Love The Name Olivia. :D
&& The Whole Part About Chloe && Hannah Made Me Cry. Everything Will Be Ok. Im So Proud Of The Way Your Handeling Things Girl. Your Gonna Be A Great Mom.

Love Courtney


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