So, this weekend has been really hard. As it is always is with a sick child and being a single Mom.
Olivia and I spent the wee hours Sunday morning in the Emergency Room. What started as just a cough on Saturday, ended with her barking and wheezing Sunday wee-morning. She was tested for Swine Flu, negative (thank God), and then diagnosed with croup. Well, croup is something that is still a mystery. It is a viral infection and affects the lungs and vocal box. Which makes breathing difficult and the barking cough.
It also affects the Mom.
The Mom who can't stand watching her daughter hold her nose and her neck indicating that something hurts, the Mom that hates listening to her daughter cough horribly while trying to rest, the Mom that gets frustrated when her daughter won't sleep in her arms, but yet cries in bed. The steroids she is on make her irritable and unable to rest. Hence, the 10:30pm driving around town last night I did just to get her to sleep. And, as her mother's daughter, she was asleep in less than a mile.
I know deep down inside I am a mighty powerful and strong woman. I know this. I believe this. I trust this. But this hurts. It hurts to be alone when I need someone to help. It hurts to be alone when I want to vent all my anger. Yes, I love my sister and my mother and the unconditional support they offer me. Yet, there is no one sharing my bed at night, no one waiting to hear how my day has gone, no one waiting to eat dinner with me. The smallest things that I miss. It is hard. It is really hard at times. Yet, I look at my beautiful, happy, smiling, singing, mimicking, dancing, kissing, pouting, gummy bear loving daughter and know that I have raised her. I have raised her with the help of all my family and friends. But mostly, I have raised her alone. I have raised her without having to share her and without having to ask someones permission or opinion.
She is all mine.
Now, let's be honest.... I don't miss.... the dirty bathrooms, the TV on all hours of the day, the dirty dishes piled in the sink, the arguments of who cooks or cleans, where to eat, how to spend the money, how much to save/spend, and who has the best ideas on _______ (insert anything you wish here).
As things slowly begin to seep out.... I am making the move to Dallas in the summer. I am making this move to better the life for my daughter and I, to be close to my sister and her family, to raise my daughter and my niece close together... but mostly, to just start over. How joyous it will be to embark on a brand new journey... one that I will set for myself, to make my own rules and memories, and to start over. Leaving my parents, my Granny, and my best friends here will be, hands down, the hardest, hardest thing I have ever done in my life. The hardest. Yet, I have had nothing but support and understanding from everyone. The thought of it all makes me have butterflies in my stomach and tears in my eyes.
Goodnight... thanks for listening.