Soooo Mad!!!

So the mommy hormones are roaring tonight. I'm so emotional. I used to dwell on constantly that DAH had a girlfriend and was living with her. Now I have moved on to how Olivia will never know her "together" parents. I feel she has been robbed and she is not even here. Please PLEASE do not take this the wrong way or judge me, but sometimes I wish none of this was even happening. I just can't get over the fact that she is being cheated. I think back to all the reasons I left him and KNOW that I am probably better off. But then I think to the future of having a family and raising our daughter, I keep thinking, maybe I could make it work. And for the record, he does NOT want to be back together. So I know its not a fighting chance. And if we ever got back together there would be so many people talking and hurt by it. Soooo many of my closest friends were raised by just their moms and they turned out fine. But in my case, my parents have been married 35 years and that is all I have ever wanted. I get so mad at God for allowing me to be in a relationship that wasn't going to last. I know that's irrational too, but I have to blame someone, it's just easier to blame Him. I just want the best for her and damnit, it's so hard to look past this and think she will be just fine with just me. He does want to help raise etc, but realistically who knows if he will be around or not. He works nights and won't give that up. He has only seen his other daughter three times since Sept. And that was for family holidays!