Thought I'd add..

I know my last post concerned many people. In the grand scheme of things, I really am doing well. A LOT has happened and I know I deserve time to grieve and be mad, but for the most part, I'm loving life. I don't spend all night holed up in my house. I don't spend hours looking at old pictures. Haha, my mom and my dad are my best friends and as long as they are home, I'm never at home.

So, be happy family and friends... I'm not depressed nor turning mental, I promise. :)

I love having this baby kick and punch me at random times... which she is doing right now. I have my laptop in bed and she doesn't like the pressure on my stomach the laptop creates. Hehe.

I also have two dogs who definitely keep me on my toes!!

All is well..

Ramblings

Okay, so if you have ever known hurt, you may have an idea where these thoughts all come from. If not, it may be hard to grasp.

- I know I am a strong person, extremely strong-willed, so why does all of this have me so bent up?

- I wake up every morning either wanting or devious.

- I want the best for my future child, unfortunately, her dad is a reject (but of course will never admit it).

- He now has two children by two different mothers and has only see his other daughter maybe 4 times since September. Did I mention he is also living with his girlfriend. It'll be no time before she is expecting as well.

- My biggest stomach turner right now is him fighting for even an ounce of custody and me having to turn my infant over to him and his very naive, twisted, and hurtful girlfriend.

- Speaking of, what woman would EVER begin a relationship with a married man? No matter how "hurt" the man is or how "unhappy" the man is in his relationship. Oh that's right, a woman who is "hurt" and "unhappy" in her own marriage. Riiiight. Sounds like destiny.

- This ex of mine has ambition to be a great guy. We had many wonderful times together. But he lies, cheats, and hurts. And the weird part is, I witnessed last night first hand that he can lie and cheat and hurt and people STILL believe him and trust him. Unfortunately, that was also me the past two years. I was able to see how naive I had been and how "mind controlling" he is over women.

- I don't enjoy being preached to about how I was or wasn't in my marriage. The only two people who get to do that are the ones who were married. No one else. Let the two people stick up for themselves without you butting in.

- When it all comes down to it, no one really matters in this whole hoopla expect me, the ex, and this baby.

- I have to find my own strength, forgiveness, and power to move on. The hardest will be forgiveness.

- Forgivness for my ex seems unimaginable. Forgiveness for myself knowing I did what I had to do to protect myself is also a far stretch.

- How long can someone really stay in a relationship knowing it's unhappy, never knowing what their husband is doing on the side? Unfortunately, out of content and fright, apparently longer than one should.

- And even know though I kicked him out before I found out I was pregnant, I have to believe and trust it was God's power in order to protect this baby.

- I dream and pray for the one man to come along. He will never instill the thought of cheating in my head, he will LOVE his family, he will provide without bragging, he will WANT to spend time with his family, he will know how to treat a woman without pain and hurt, and most importantly, he will embrace my daughter as his own and never make her feel rejected.

- My daughter will grow up knowing she was conceived with love and planning. There will be pictures of her mom and dad around her room. I will never betray her the love her father and I once had for each other. She will know love. She will know love without pain.

- It all goes back to my favorite saying... If God brings you to it, God will get you through it.

Thanks for listening.

The Nursery!!!

Well... I got the crib last night and the rest is history! The nursery is done in Suzy's Zoo. If you didn't already know, all Suzy's Zoo is discontinued. I have been collecting all of this since High School. Ebay, resale shops. thrift stores, etc. It's been fun and I can't believe it's time to use it all! Big thanks to my mom for "necessities", Aunt Joyce and Kathryn for the swing and exersaucer, Rhonda for the stroller, Granny for her FABULOUS hand painted toy box, and Christa for lots of stuff you can't see except the changing pad, haha. My mom is busy at the lake this weekend making lots of Suzy's Zoo blankets and a dust ruffle! She's amazing! I love you all! Now all I need is Olivia!


The above picture is when you walk in the door.

Random Things

So, as I sit here sitting "Indian Style" on my bed eating my cereal, I wonder how long I will be able to sit in this position. Haha.

- Olivia is moving like crazy. I was so worried I couldn't feel her for long a time, now she is definitely making up for it. Her busiest times are night and morning when I first lay down or wake up.

- Last night I believe I may have started feeling her hiccup. I drank a Diet Coke and then felt little pulsations on my side. I thought hmm... that was weird (it didn't last long), so I drank another one (I know I know, haha, bad mommy!) and it happened again. Only lasting about 30 seconds, but definitely not a normal moment because it was very repetitive.

- I want to say a huge thank you to my Wonderful Aunt. Olivia and I really appreciate the gift and it is much needed! Thank you! I love you!! :)

- Next appt. is Thursday afternoon. Shouldn't be too much of a productive appt. Maybe setting me up for my diabetes drinking fest. I'm worried about that! Ew! And I have been eating soooo much candy!

Well, off to work. Just thought I'd give some updates. :)

Soooo Mad!!!

So the mommy hormones are roaring tonight. I'm so emotional. I used to dwell on constantly that DAH had a girlfriend and was living with her. Now I have moved on to how Olivia will never know her "together" parents. I feel she has been robbed and she is not even here. Please PLEASE do not take this the wrong way or judge me, but sometimes I wish none of this was even happening. I just can't get over the fact that she is being cheated. I think back to all the reasons I left him and KNOW that I am probably better off. But then I think to the future of having a family and raising our daughter, I keep thinking, maybe I could make it work. And for the record, he does NOT want to be back together. So I know its not a fighting chance. And if we ever got back together there would be so many people talking and hurt by it. Soooo many of my closest friends were raised by just their moms and they turned out fine. But in my case, my parents have been married 35 years and that is all I have ever wanted. I get so mad at God for allowing me to be in a relationship that wasn't going to last. I know that's irrational too, but I have to blame someone, it's just easier to blame Him. I just want the best for her and damnit, it's so hard to look past this and think she will be just fine with just me. He does want to help raise etc, but realistically who knows if he will be around or not. He works nights and won't give that up. He has only seen his other daughter three times since Sept. And that was for family holidays!

...and she KICKS....

This is so exciting! Haha, the alien is finally alive. I have been able to feel Olivia everyday now since New Years Eve. Usually when I am calm and settling in somewhere she will become more active. Well, today while resting my Nintendo DS (Yes, I'm addicted, thankyouverymuch) on my belly, she kicked it! It moved! So I of course pushed on the DS a little to try and see if she would do it again, no luck. But I have a feeling it will be within the week or so when people should be able to feel her on the outside. I'm such a proud momma!

New Realizations...

So, I was with my ex for about 6-7 years. During these years, I learned a lot about myself and a lot about him. You will NEVER hear me say I regret my marriage or dating him, ever. Period. He was the light of my life and my best friend. But, yesterday we got into it about the divorce and in his rage he spits out very nasty comments and names to me. And after I got the last text message, I sat there and thought, I was not raised with this language, nor did I ever think my husband would EVER use that language towards me. But when we were fighting or have fought in the past, the words never phased me, I often used them as well. And that is very disturbing. It is disturbing that I let those harsh words and comments be used towards me so frequently and to also just take it and not think anything about it. So, for my future, I know that I want someone who will NEVER EVER use language and hateful words to me or anyone dear to me. I know there will always be fights, but I'm now realizing, productive fighting, without the use of hateful and foul words, could have possibly changed my marriage around? It hurts to think it became the norm, because I know it is NOT the norm.

Preggo Dream?

So, in my dream...

I'm at my Granny's house (she is not there though) and me and my cousin Amy are just hanging out. I am sitting on the couch and she is sitting on the floor. We knew I could go into labor at anytime, so she was with me. Well, I was on the phone with someone and all of a sudden I look down at Amy and she is holding my newborn, squirmy and still slimy; but she wasn't crying. She was moving her mouth and acting like she was crying, but couldn't make any noise. So I grabbed her and held her UPSIDE down, did the ole' finger sweep and it didn't help. So I called my Granny to get the phone number for 911 (LOL). I then called the Fire Dept, they showed up, used the sucker thingie to clear out her lungs and she was fine. Then another fire fighter came in with two other infants. I had girl TRIPLETS!!!! They were all dressed in little Oklahoma State outfits. It was a super dream. No labor and all GIRL triplets!! Haha... I think I need more sleep!